Here's my second sonnet ever, as read recently at James' house. I know there were objections to the "before the face of God" bit, as being lazily abstract. I'm working on it, but in the meantime, any suggestions?
- b.c.
ii.
I peer, my face against the streaming pane
like Japheth in the backseat of a car,
at the rain on the rocks:
The waters are
rising, grasping below the asphalt edge
of the road, and I wonder how could Cain
have thought that grain could make sufficient hedge
around our sin; could keep our heads above
the waves.
In saffron hues beside the road
the aspens burn with sacrificial love:
A momentary storm shrouds gray their flame
and in a flood suspended, cleansing rain
lifts up as mist before the face of God
like smoke ascending from a martyr’s pyre
to shelter dust from death with dust afire.
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5 comments:
Could the role of the speaker in the poem be enhanced? If so, could this add a personal dimension to the piece? The reason I ask is that as it now stands, he exists in the poem mostly for the sake of posing the question of lines 6-8; if his role doesn't merit expansion, should he be deleted from the poem altogether, and replaced with a simple third person voice?
On the more decisive end of things, the first couplet of the second stanza is outstanding and I want to make it mine.
This is one of those, "I know what you're doing, but similes still have rules" comments:
What does "I peer like Japheth" accomplish besides getting Japheth's name in there? How does Japheth peer that is so distinct from the way the rest of us peer?
I still love the water grasping image and I think you can strike "of the road"
After "sacrificial love" could we have maybe an explanation of that one to avoid abstraction? Something like: "sacrificial love/ lighting the face of the penitent". You know, except more Beniful.
I vote you verb a noun. "A momentary storm GRAYS their flame". Ah, you like, I knows you like.
And yes "face" should still go. Pull out that thesaurus, gimme paean of God or halcyon of God, gimme something sparky.
In the end I still dig though.
I was hoping if I hunted down this site I'd be able to see as well as hear it; I'm a lousy listener.
As I told Chris last week, "I'd love to come spend the evening growing in my awareness of what an ignorant Philistine I am," so bear with the probably idiotic comments ahead.
Re Japheth, his appearance tells us we're on the ark, and since he was the youngest son, of course he'd be assigned to the back seat (though I can't figure out why backseat would be oneword). He's also the least significant of the three. Here the water is judgment.
In the second part, the water is redemptive. It carries the acceptable sacrifice up to God, though I can't figure out how the rain is going up rather than down. Dust=flesh...human flesh is delivered by the sacrifice of human flesh (as opposed to Cain's grain).
How'd I do?
And here's a dumb question: what makes this a sonnet?
Valerie,
- "backseat" was indeed a mistake. touche.
- I'll defend Japheth later, but you're on the right track.
- The rain is going up "as mist".
- Sonnet= 15 lines of rhymed iambic pentameter, which this was before blogger got to it. i'll try to fix that.
Guys,
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll get back to you when I have a second.
-ben
remshot,
- the similitude is between what i imagine Japheth's state of mind might have been and the state of mind of a boy in the back seat of a car; both watching with anticipation the water rising around them and having absolutely no control over the situation, inside or out (perhaps anachronistic historically since Japheth, though the youngest, was hardly a little boy at the time of the flood). if that's not good enough for you, then it's a word associated with floods that scans. so there.
thanks for the other suggestions. they will be processed in the order in which they were received.
bom,
the answer is no, i don't want to get the character in any more of the poem. not 'cause its a bad idea, but because i'm sick of this thing. sonnets are not my beverage of choice. if i ever get around to doing a free verse version of this same idea (possible, though improbable) i'll definitely explore that avenue.
blessings,
-ben
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