An edit, for your critique:
Washington Scrubland
Sage and scrub-grass
perch on the surface of the desert
like grit on sandpaper,
grievous and vital,
superposed upon the dirt
and clinging to the rocks in a
thousand narrow gorges
that score the desert's crackling skin
like wrinkles on an old man's neck.
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4 comments:
should i cut the "grievous and vital" bit?
I'd say yes. Again, I think there is at best a minimal level of suggestion in "grit on sandpaper" that would lead us to "Grievous and Vital." For the sake of that if nothing else, I'd lose it. Whatever the case may be, the last two lines are absolute gems.
T
I echo T-bom, lose the grievous and vital. However I think that also require striking the superposed line as well, for you would have three lines on dirt: desert, sandpaper, and dirt. I don't like "superposed" anyway.
Yes to the final lines.
The opening image isn't working for me. The grit on sandpaper is sand. So sage and scrub-grass really don't perch on the desert surface like that.
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